You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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