I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
