I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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