This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Randomize
