Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
