your parents love me but you hate me
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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