Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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