I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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