hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She's not a foreskin expert like you
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
