shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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