I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Randomize
