i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
