well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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