Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
