my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
