You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
