My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
