I hate all girls vehemently.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
