The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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