First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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