i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
