I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
