Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
