theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
