You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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