Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
you never un-have a 4some
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
