i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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