Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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