Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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