I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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