Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i've created a new STD.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize