Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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