Soap is not a condiment
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
