So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
