Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
