My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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