i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize