where am i from again
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
