He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
