I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
