I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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