This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
