So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
