i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
