ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
