it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i used baking grease as lip gloss
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
