I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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