My room smells like vodka and shame
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
