Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize