Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
