This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
