I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
