I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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