Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
