oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Actions speak louder than pants.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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