im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
