Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
