I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm at about main and main street
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
