whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
