I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
